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Grief can turn people into assholes.

Grief

and fear

and resentments

can turn people into assholes.

I know because I act like an asshole sometimes.

Yesterday, I went through rotating cycles of feeling guilty, sad, numb, judgmental, angry, superior, ashamed, lonely, and numb again.

Yesterday, my sweet grandfather was shaving his face in brave preparation for his wife’s funeral, when he heard a knock at the door. He walked over to answer it, lost his balance, and broke his hip and wrist.

My grandmother’s funeral was cancelled and Pop Pop was rushed to the hospital.

I experienced this rollercoaster of a million emotions—on top of love, and worry, and a feeling of helplessness.

I thought judgmental, hateful things.

I thought sad, lonely, scared thoughts.

I blamed and bargained…

I denied and eventually accepted—kinda.

I think I’m beginning to understand the phrase “one day at a time.”

Today I will try my best.

I will try to give others the benefit of the doubt.

I will try not to let my emotions get the best of me.

I don’t want to ever be an asshole.

So today, I’m trying.

We’re all trying.